There are many of us who feel like we’re heading into the New Dark Ages politically, a time when our will to live feels in short supply. This is the time for us to collectively share our common will to not just live, but also to make the change in the world we wish to see and – most importantly, the change we want to see in ourselves.
A friend of mine from long, long ago reached out to me recently and acknowledged that he was in a downward tailspin. He was watching too much MSNBC and not attending to his emotional health. He was looking for some advice. He’s someone who was lunging at life when he was younger, but he’s now lounging and has too much time on his hands. He told me there’s a looming cave of emptiness where the past ought to be as he’s single and feels incapable of being in another relationship due to all of the disappointments he’s experienced in the past (his aristocratic mother was good at arranging flowers and good marriages, but none of his three marriages lasted). He had self-importance but no self-esteem, a certain self-delusion of uniqueness, and a ravenous need for admiration. In other words, he was a mess.
Despite all this, I still love the guy, but I started to get concerned about an hour into the conversation. It became clear to me that he’d been experiencing suicide ideation, both in his dreams and during the day. I only wish that Chip Hankins and my other four male friends who died by suicide during the Great Recession had reached out to me like this friend did. After listening compassionately and putting my Appreciative Inquiry skills to work, I asked if he was open to me making some suggestions.
First of all, I told him I loved him and I was so appreciative he reached out to me. I said that this conversation reminded me why I admired him so much and said, “My life would be less full without you.”
Secondly, I pulled up Rumi’s “The Guest House” poem on my phone and read it and sent it to him (I’ve included it at the end of this post). It’s an artistic reminder that our life circumstances and emotions come and go and the key is to allow them to be fluid. Yet when we’re feeling most troubled, it’s usually because we feel like a raincloud has stationed itself directly above our lives and it ain’t gonna move. Helping him to know it won’t always feel this dark was essential.
Thirdly, because his self-worth was so low, I inquired about what professional counseling resources he’s been using or considering. It had been years since he’d been in therapy and he wasn’t part of any groups where he felt he could be open about his plight. We spent a few minutes doing a Google search for certain kinds of therapists near where he lives.
Lastly, I made sure he knows he could call me at any time of day or night, 24/7. Because he’d also mentioned the allure of escaping, I gave him the national suicide hotline (988 in the U.S.) and told him he could call it as much as he wants, “You never wear out your welcome with those angels on the other end of that line.”
At the end of our meeting, I asked him if I could let one of our common friends (who lives closer to him) know about our conversation just so that he could see him more frequently. Fortunately, my friend said yes. This also gave me the opportunity to have an emotional buddy to go through this experience with. You can’t underestimate the traumatic effect your friend’s plea for help may have on your mental state and it’s good to have someone to confide in and consider solutions with.
My friend has stabilized and come to realize that his internal weather doesn’t have to be so influenced by the external weather, whether it’s the hot summer or the political news of the moment. And, he’s taped this poem on his bathroom mirror.
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Chip